the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dick very happy bro
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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