you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
