we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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