I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
