Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
