Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
