I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
