New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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