My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
