so let's talk penis.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
