he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
