My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
