I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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