no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
