Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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