Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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