She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
