I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
