When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
