alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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