White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
