Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
