I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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