I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I am morally bankrupt
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just forgot I was standing up.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
