I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
