four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
