dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
