New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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