I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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