Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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