I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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