I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
