I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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