Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
