mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
