He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
