ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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