I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
