all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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