i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
