this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
