Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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