sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
