im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
