The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
