just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
