I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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