You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
