Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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