I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
